OK, I’ve been doing the Dr. Fuhrman “nutritarian” thing a couple weeks, but slowly adding back some “non vegetarian” elements, like fish and chicken. I was just too hungry and too tired. I am discovering I’m not a very good vegetarian but I do find I like more vegetarian dishes than I thought I would.
I’m doing the personal training thing twice a week and still trying to implement a routine on the other days (and feel motivated to accomplish it). The personal training stuff is hard for me. I don’t really enjoy it very much… with my inflexibility, extra weight, and I always feel so sore and creaky afterward. I have to trust that it will start to get easier at some point.
I remember years ago when motivation wasn’t a problem at all. Now it feels like a supreme effort to get out and do that walk or bike ride and feel good about it. Perhaps it’s the effects of “life” bearing down and wearing me out, I don’t know.. afterall, I have gone through many challenging experiences recently and in years past. Or perhaps it is really a bit of clinical depression, as the doctor has suggested and said I may be in denial about. I have only entertained filling the RX he gave me a few times.
Who knows… I argue with myself internally tooth and nail… that I do NOT want to be depressed. I keep searching for that joy I used to have with my life and feel so guilty I can’t find it… After all, the old saying goes, I do have much to be thankful for… and there are always others much worse off than me. And there is the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” philosophy that alot of us grew up with… and with that I chastise myself for feeling blah and sad.
I have to assume it’s always good to dump, huh? 🙂 So, bear with me here.
I DID lose some weight but have so far to go that it overwhelms me and the hopeless feeling overcomes my brief happy thought. I keep fantasizing that I’m going to go into a long sleep and when I wake up I’m going to be 30 or 40 lbs. lighter, fit and healthy, and have lots of joy and energy. Quite a dream, huh?
OK… time to get onto other tasks. My corporate taxes for 2009 are due next week…yikes! A procrastinator I always am when it comes to that stuff. So, I’ve put those tasks ahead of my riding today and will take that urban ride through the park later when I’ve gotten those items completed for my accountant.
Another thought I’ve entertained for creating accountability in this weight loss quest… is that maybe I’ll actually expose myself here with a “before” picture, and my goals, and document my successes (and failures)… but with the idea there IS GOING to be an “after” picture that I’ll be proud to put up. We shall see, huh?
To whoever is reading this… have a wonderful day.